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Hell yeah!!! I'm the shit!!!   
01:51am 18/04/2007
 
mood: fanatic and famished
music: hadouken

3 days and what have I eaten?
a cough drop
Ive walked 30 blocks to school everyday,even in the rain fuckyeah!!
This is a big accomplishment for me.
I know there are people have gone with less but I usually am never this serious about anything. Someone asked me if I wanted chinese food and I laughed in their face "food is for the weak!!!"and yes my lack of is raising suspicion but who cares when your already down 6lbs???
not me!!!WOOOO!!!! lets just hope I can keep this up.

  
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No more food its evil   
03:33pm 15/04/2007
 
mood: cheerful
music: some punjab music

Ok so I'm trying to be positive,look on the bright side of things and make more perminant decisions.

My friend Dea a couple of days ago really helped me see that my life should be controled by me and only me. If I say somthing I should be able to stick to it. I already knew this but it ment more hearing it from someone else.

I almost had a total breakdown over a bag of Pepperge Farm cookies.

I had one and they're like 150 cals each. And then another. Then another,the bag was nearly done and shes like "what are you doing?"

and freaking out I couldnt stop eating I actually moved on to another bag after eating everything but the wrapper. She told me I've come to far to take orders from a cookie and I need some damn self control and she was totally right.

so I 'm like in the mirror "hey you, fat ass, you look like a fucking cow! put that cookie down you cow and get your big digusting self on the treadmill or something" And thats just what I did. Its took me 2 days to get back on track but now today, Sunday I'm feeling the grumbling pain again and damn it feels good. Im gonna be happy in all my agony because I guess its just part of what I have to go through to get what I want, I mean if it hurts that means it working.

And as for temptaions, I just need to remeber to be strong and not weak and gross.                

  
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03:46am 09/04/2007
 
mood: scared
music: some crazy head banger shit..its awsome



Is something ever so disgusting but you can't look away?

If this shit doesn't make you sick I don't know what will.
I totally had one of those moments today.
I seen this lady outside she was like 5'4 and she had to be like 300lbs.
Revolting....
Its was gross and scary but i was all staring at her.
Interesting though.. Where's her neck and why is she wobbling? lol.
I swear my life flashed before my eyes.
So did everything I ever ate in that time period, I'm now feeling like I aught to never touch another fucking French fry until I get down to like 100lbs or less.
O yeah (Just thought I'd let you Know...
I'm better off with no food at all.
So I go barf up the carrots, drink some water and start over. My diet has suddenly transformed into a fast or food strike. I'm done with the diet thing.
Just that quick I'm done with it.)
Yeah, it sounds like nothing. 'So you see some morbidly obese women who could barley walk and breathe' but it was so scary. I mean I totally seen myself in all that fat and I don't want to be that so....
Starting today I'm gonna run like 4 miles and do like 1000 sit ups and avoid calories to the best of my ability. I don't want to be a fatter,digustinger <lol,thats not a word...)
 person



  
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I'm just trying to get some ribs showing here why is everything so difficult.   
03:12am 09/04/2007
 
mood: confused
music: Fiona Apple
  Ok, so I totally decided to do things the right way for once.
I'm on a low cal diet. Yah!!! WOOO!!!
will it last? probably not, but I'm gonna try anyway.
But there are some things messing me up.
First thing is this binging shit. its like no food or all of it.WTF!!!
question of the day,ummm, why can't I control the urge to stuff myself to capacity,feel gross,cry,puke then cry some more???
Instead of completly starving myself for days until I get all passyouty and fatigued I try and do stuff the healthy way and it never works. All week its been rocky....
So I see this picture of my cousin today,I'm like "fucking skinny bitch" I'm so jealous. Size 0 wearing ass, I envy her boniness. Yeah ENVY. And I guess she was like my thinspo for the day. SO later on at a little birthday get together,I'm all refusing the meals doing pretty damn good(already 2 days in)and BAM!
hits me like a fucking mack truck,CAKE.

Cake, I run fast. People are like what the hells her problem but I was lucky this time,to have gotten away.

Turned on the zune..Paper bag.Fiona Apple.
Needing a reminder. "hunger hurts but starving works,when it cost too much to love."
Shes so right...
Why is this shit so hard.
  
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kissesawsha
 
 

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